Author Archives: talesofacurlyislandgirl

I Finished the First Year of an MPA Program

So, as I have already addressed I am an MPA student at CU Denver. I am completely online and asynchronous, so my experience is going to be different from traditional courses. I busted my ass this year for sure!

You know what feels the most weird? How fast the program is going. My goal was to complete the program in 2 years and that means 9 credits/3 classes a semester, which is over the recommended full-time status. In undergrad, it seems so much longer, and it actually took me 5 years to finish. Also, I would take 5-6 classes a semester and there were struggles but nothing like what I feel right now.

I cannot agree enough how right everyone is when they say that grad school is that much harder. Now … Yes, the course content is hard but I’m pretty sure it is compounded with the fact that 1) I am older now, 2) I can’t stay up until 3am finishing homework anymore, and 3) it is completely online. *My sister pointed out that I am social in class settings, which is true, therefore it makes it harder for me connect with both the content and the classmates.

I’ve met and connected with a few women through this program and I really appreciate their insight and their friendship. One is located in California and the other moved from California to Colorado in order to be closer to the school. We video chat often and keep communication lines open through text. It has dramatically helped my mood in school. It makes a huge difference to work on projects together and complain when it doesn’t make sense or its hard, haha.

During my first semester, I had a considerable amount of help from a very good friend. She double majored in English and Political Science at UH Hilo – and also works for the government. With her background, and her kindness, she got me started. Listen, when you come from an English undergrad background, you fall into the category of most people who don’t understand how government works, lol. She was a huge asset to me during the Fall semester and I am wholly grateful for the boost she gave me.

During the spring semester, I had no help … and I did it alone (no shade to my friend at all, life caught back up and we both had different obligations). Without her help during the fall to get me adjusted and transitioned back into school along with some small lessons of government fundamentals, I wouldn’t have been able to do it.

When I first started the program, I was scared and had imposter syndrome – this was not going to be a good place for me and I would not be successful at this. But, I got a 4.0 this semester. Each discussion post, my own complete ideas and thoughts, and each paper written, were 100% my own. The one thing I learned, and value the most through this first half of my grad school journey, is that I am capable and this is exactly where I should be.

My experience thus far has been amazing and exhausting. I have a summer course that I start on Monday, and I am a little upset that my plans got derailed and am now forced to go to school in order to graduate on time. However, it worked out well because the course is Effective Grant Writing in Public Admin and Nonprofits – which is the only concentration course I absolutely wanted to take for very obvious reasons and it is only being offered this summer!! Blessings on blessings on blessings.

Happy Curl, Happy Girl

Signing off,

Curly Island Girl

Don’t Forget the PI in AAPI Month

It’s May! May means graduations and summer break! But it’s also Asian American and Pacific Islander month in the United States.

It’s great to see so many people being honored and recognized during this month … but, many organizations and companies forget about the PI part!

Pacific Islanders are a minority demographic within a minority demographic. When people forget to talk about the Pacific Islanders that have greatly contributed to our rich history, it adds to the erasure of this demographic. I’m really not sure why Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders have to share a month because both groups of people really deserve their own. Both groups are filled with many different cultures, so why are we cramming all of them into one month?

Celebrate your child’s Native Hawaiian teacher, the Pohnpeian family next door, your Tongan program manager, the Samoan pastor that waves hi to you every day at school, the Kosraean boy at the library, the Maori woman at the grocery store, your Tahitian classmate, the Papuan food truck chef, and the Fijian lifeguard at the neighborhood pool.

So when you celebrate this month with your job, your company, your agency, your classrooms, your book clubs, your family, your social media accounts, don’t forget to include Pacific Islanders!

Happy Curl, Happy Girl

Signing off,

Curly Island Girl

Riding the Struggle Bus

I have been struggling in every aspect of my life for the last several months – anxiety, body image, graduate school, relationships, finances, mental health, and everything else under the sun. This post is by no means a cry for help, I am fine, I promise you. I just feel like I’m going through the motions but its been extremely tougher than usual. And, well, the motions keep coming, in circles, over and over again for months.

And in all of this commotion, I am trying so hard to give myself some grace through baby steps and serious self-care. Not self-soothing – self-care. It requires extra thought and care in working on some of the deeper-seated issues I have in those aspects of my life. There are lots of tears and lots of arguing (with myself and others). But there is also lots of clarity. And even though its sad and its frustrating to take two steps forward and continue to fall back … I am reminded that healing is cyclical. Now, its not an excuse to be a total a-hole, but rather that its okay to fall back a little bit while you progress.

As most of you already know, my husband is currently a Marine recruiter. We’ve finished one year of recruiting duty so far. This has been by far the roughest time we have ever endured as a couple. It is the wildest roller coaster ride and is, without a doubt, one of the biggest factors in this struggle. And through all of my many waves of emotions, he has been as understanding as he possibly can. I can’t forget that although I am going through something, the people around me are also going through their own motions. Something I am actively practicing is looking inward instead of outward. Reflecting instead of pointing fingers. And it is so hard.

But I’m trying, and that’s all I can do. There have been wins and losses during the last several months. I hope throughout the next few years, I am able to process and balance all of these aspects.

I hope that by sharing a little bit about what I’m dealing with reminds you of the process of grieving the parts of you that are gone, healing the parts of you that are hurt, strengthening the parts of you that are weak, and reflecting on the parts of you that make you unique.

Happy Curl, Happy Girl

Signing off,

Curly Island Girl

How My First Semester of Grad School Went

I started grad school this past fall (2021)! I am completely asynchronous and remote in the Masters of Public Administration program at CU Denver. (I’ll probably do a little post on the pros and cons of asynchronous graduate school soon, too)

You know when they tell you grad school is hard? Yeah, they aren’t joking. This was absolutely the hardest semester of school Ive ever endured for sure. I am sure it is due to a combination of getting back into school after 3 years, doing it asynchronously, and just being expected to do more (be more).

For the first half of it, I had terrible imposter syndrome. Here I was, someone who has only really had one real long term job as a program coordinator, an undergrad background in mostly English literature with no real public service experience or previous thought of it, in this program with so many other well rounded and more experienced classmates. Learning to use a public service perspective was really hard and I am still trying to exercise that part of my brain.

I have a dear friend (with a background in both political science and English) who went above and beyond to help me understand policy and reframe my thinking to better understand how the public sector/government works. Mahalo piha my sweet hoa!

These are some things I have learned from last fall:

  • Group projects are still my least favorite. Not enough effort from teammates or people who want to run the show (and not follow rubric!!) causing our grades to suffer will always be annoying!!!
  • Collaboration with people you have never seen and will never see unless you are put in a group together is really hard, especially given that students span across the continental United States and overseas.
  • Digital note taking does not work for me. I really did try the first couple weeks of fall semester but I was not taking efficient notes and getting frustrated with having to look back at it on my iPad. I have since switched to paper and use the iPad for reference to articles my professors give me. I am okay with annotating these articles on the iPad too!
  • I reference Hawaiʻi in every aspect of my contributions to group discussions. This helps me to apply my life to these situations and to also share knowledge of Hawaiʻi with my peers. I may not get many comments, but the ones that do always thank me for sharing because they “had no idea”. (The majority of my peers do live in Colorado, so a lot of discussion posts from their end are geared towards and in reference to issues in Denver or other cities in Colorado).
  • The knowledge and experience I came in with may seem so little, but when I have online discussions with some of my peers … I donʻt feel so inexperienced. Not to throw shade at anyone, but sometimes they donʻt answer the prompt correctly – and tbh it makes me feel so much better about myself.
  • I like structured courses much better than “open-ended and loose” courses. I am very much a give me directions and a rubric and I will get it done to the best of my ability. I donʻt want to create my own module or do things a different way.
  • Math is still my worst subject. I was required to complete a college algebra course as a refresher for quantitative competency. I decided to take it with Straighter Line and that was the worst experience ever. There was no teacher – and being that math is my worst subject it was incredibly difficult for me to pass this online course. There was also no real structure. You complete it on your own time, so I had to sit and create a schedule twice to complete this course. p.s. I failed the final but passed the class with a 70%. It was my biggest stressor throughout fall semester, lol.
  • Teaching myself may not be the best idea. I would say in work settings, I can be self-directed for the most part, but of course like learning anything new, some training or direction is needed. Having to teach myself math was really hard. Numbers can confuse me really quickly. I also noticed that although I really want to learn ʻōlelo Hawaiʻi … again, I am trying to teach myself and it has been going unsuccessfully. I think for some things, or rather, most things, I need a mentor or teacher. (this is probably why I love education). For other topics, I have no problem doing research online on my own and teaching myself. I feel like itʻs a coin toss.

Anyways, it feels good to write about something and I am still actively looking for more ideas on what to write about. So if you have any suggestions, by all means … let me know.

Thanks for sticking around and if you made it this far, I appreciate you.

Happy Curl, Happy Girl

Signing off,

Curly Island Girl

Recipe for 2022

Ingredients:

  • 1 c of adaptation
  • 2.5 c of intentions
  • 6 c of sifted relationships
  • 1/2 tsp of curiosity
  • 1 block of unsalted self-care
  • 4 rolls of boundaries

Preheat oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.

First combine adaptation, intentions, curiosity, and sifted relationships together, be careful not to over mix. 

Melt block of self-care and pour into mixture, blend. 

Unpack and unroll boundaries laying them in a 12×9 pan – pour mixture in and bake for 30 minutes. 

Serve immediately with a shot of espresso!

Chef’s notes:

I know I havenʻt been present for many months and its already a new year. 2020 and 2021 were whirlwind years – we hope 2022 goes much better. Although every new year we tend to make these changes, but as I have grown through these few years my priority is fully protecting my space, peace, and my boundaries. When I take care of myself, I can take care of the people that I love. When I am present with myself, I can be present with the people that I love. I challenge you to choose yourself and choose wisely.

Happy Curl, Happy Girl

Signing off,

Curly Island Girl

Whoops.

Aloha Aloha Aloha nui.

Guess what? I thought I had posted my “I moved” life update back in April … and guess where I found it? Sitting in my drafts. *face palm

E kala mai (I apologize), I thought I had updated you all, and I guess I have not. So here is a quick breakdown of that: We moved. If you follow my personal social media, you know what has changed, but if you don’t, well, we moved to Kailua Kona. We are originally from this island (Hawai’i island), but from the east side – in rainy Hilo. Our journey from Oʻahu to Kona was a rough one, I am so glad I took the break from social media so I could put my 100% focus into that. My husband is recruiting out here and its been about three months. So far, itʻs okay – I see him when I see him and it is only the beginning. If you know anything about Marine Corps recruiting, you know that it is the most difficult of all the branches.

I have some wonderful news to share with you, but you must wait a little longer for me to announce that. I really am so proud of myself! I hope you are all well and doing good. However, in the meantime I hope to post more regularly again … I need more ideas for sure, it can be sometimes rather hard to continue sharing (my life is not that exciting by any means). Here is what I am currently into:

  • Sunscreen for my skin – I really am trying to be careful about skin cancer and just the premature aging process in general. I donʻt mind aging, but I want to take care of my skin!
  • I started an OTC Retinol in addition to my regular Curology routine – See point above, haha.
  • I am trying to get back into reading (and writing, obviously) but while I do that I am incorporating scheduling and learning to time block.
  • Watching all of the cooking shows on all streaming websites – my fave right now is Sugar Rush.
  • Utilizing my iPad – I bought it for a reason and I am trying to do more things with it other than watching tv.
  • Exercising – Nothing too crazy and special, but I do try to workout every weekday. I do a 1.5 mile walk and either squats or deadlifts. I donʻt feel any different, but thats okay! I am happy for the movement.

I think thatʻs all for now. If you have any suggestions for some new pieces, or suggestions on books to read, please don’t be shy!

I miss you all! I am glad to post this.

Happy Curl, Happy Girl

Signing off,

Curly Island Girl

Taking a Break: Itʻs Time to Unplug

Happy Monday!

I wanted to say first and foremost, I am so sorry for missing last Thursday. Last week was a little rough for me (an emotional roller coaster) and my motivation was low and sitting in front of my laptop to write was not coming naturally to me.

Todayʻs post is about taking a break.

When you feel like youʻre drowning in negativity, work, terrible perceptions of self, personal relationships etc, itʻs a good idea to take a break. The first thing is to define what taking a break means for you. It could be taking time off of work, unfollowing or hiding feed posts from people that make you feel bad, starting (or re-starting) a hobby that can bring you joy and take your mind off of other things, and distancing yourself from negativity.

I am taking a break from social media, specifically my personal Instagram account. I have also started reading again. Iʻm sure you have noticed the struggle with negative perceptions of myself (especially in the last post), so I have decided to take a break from my Instagram account and drastically reduce the time I spend on Facebook for the month of March.

There are a lot of things and events going on for me in the month of March, so I think taking the break from social media will also be less distracting. I want to come back from the break, refreshed and positive, lol.

With that being said, I wanted to say thank you so much for keeping up with my posts, but I will also be taking a break from writing for the time being as well. If I absolutely feel like I need to write or share something, I will keep it in my drafts and share it later. I hope to be back in April!

I hope you continue to give yourself a break. Whatever that means to you, do it. Donʻt let the negativity of others get to you and prevent you from living your fullest and happiest life.

Happy Curl, Happy Girl

Signing off,

Curly Island Girl

Loving your Body

Last week I was posting on my Instagram page about how I needed to stop comparing myself to other women that I see online. I need to apologize to myself for consistently doing this. I end up feeling really badly about my weight gain and acne breakouts and it really puts me down.

I know that a lot of people have this same problem. We always see ourselves as lesser than because we see this perfect person on social media. It is so destructive to our own identities.

Iʻve been working on this, but here are the two things Iʻve been actively doing to remove negative perceptions of myself:

  1. Unfollow any social media accounts (or hide their stories) that I continue to look at and compare myself to. This is to protect my peace.
  2. Talk to myself! I know it sounds weird, but looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself that I am beautiful is in an important affirmation. My body has survived this far. My body has been loved. My body is perfect. This is to protect my body from being distorted in my own mind.

Make no mistake, I slip up on this frequently. Itʻs hard for sure, but I encourage you to just try. If you need to remove yourself from some people who focus only on negative things and aid in your bad perception of self, then do it. If you have to end a relationship with a partner because they do no uplift you, then do it. If you need to exercise or eat better, then do it.

You are amazing and so is your body! We defy all odds every day.

Happy Curl, Happy Girl

Signing off,

Tales of a Curly Island Girl

Drawing the Line: Toxic Positivity

Letʻs talk about something I only learned about this week. Yes, only this week I learned the name for a feeling Iʻve been questioning very recently: Toxic positivity.

Toxic Positivity can be defined as being/trying to stay constantly happy in bad situations.

The reason this has been weighing on my conscience is because Iʻve been becoming increasingly interested in the self-help books and social media accounts. In the back of my head, I will read or watch something and say things to myself like “okay, but what if it really is bad? We canʻt just will happiness into existence in certain situations. Thatʻs terrible for people, especially those in abusive situations.”

To be constantly happy, to tell yourself to just stay happy, is to negate your true emotions. I have no background in psychology, and Iʻve only worked as admin in a behavioral/mental health organization, but I know that that can’t be good. Itʻs brainwashing.

I guess, for me, balancing this looks like sharing the bad and the good. Life isnʻt perfect, and itʻs okay to share that youʻre not doing good. No one person can truly be always happy. To not share how you truly feel, often times makes you feel even worse. Pent up emotions turn into outbursts that can be mentally and physically damaging to yourself and your loved ones.

There is a fine line between gratitude and happiness and not recognizing awful and unacceptable situations. I am learning this right now. I learned this in my previous job. I was extremely grateful for having a job during a pandemic but the feelings I had while working messed with my mental health so badly. When I finally quit, it was my decision to be done with the situation. I had tolerated enough, and was absolutely grateful through it all, but after a point that did nothing for my mental health and wellbeing. Itʻs important to address the problem and not “oh, itʻs fine” it all the way into a deep depression. It is tiresome to relentlessly focus on the positive and it can also be naive.

I had to do a little research to understand exactly where this term came from and did not find much other than it was coined by psychologists (no surprise there). I am not too sure who, but itʻs accepted that it was created in the U.S. because of the incessant outlook of always being positive in mainstream culture.

To sum it up, itʻs important to try and create that balance. Positive outlook can be a really good thing, but itʻs also OK to feel terrible or not be happy (especially during this time). And again, everything you see on social media or the internet isnʻt always believable. I am really not saying that to be positive is stupid, because it is not. I still read books, blogs, posts that encourage us to have a better outlook on life and I agree. But, again, there is a line you need to draw in order to preserve and protect your peace by recognizing how far is too far for yourself.

Happy Curl, Happy Girl

Signing off,

Curly Island Girl

Sorry

Hello.
When will we see you again? 
Tomorrow makes another month.
Does it? 
I didn't notice.
Do you ever think about us?
Not really. 
Sorry.
Are you?
What? Sorry?-

Are you sorry you do not deserve a loyal partner?
Are you sorry you cannot fill that void in your heart?
Are you sorry you lost the only person who cared?

I- 
Yeah, I guess youʻre not sorry. 
Thatʻs okay. 
Iʻm not sorry either. 

Not sorry your daughter has your eyes.
Not sorry your son has your hair.
Not sorry your children donʻt have a parent
because I fill that role.

But-
Someone else will take your place.
And when you finally think of them
well, I wonʻt be here.
Ok. I will try to stop by this week.
Do they remember me?
Not really.
Sorry.